Disclaimer: I blog the way I would talk to my girlfriends, so at time..things could get very graphically detailed. So if this is something that upsets you, don’t leave a nasty comment, simply stop reading and click on the x on the far right corner on the top of this screen. I won’t mind. Thanks!
After several google chats and phone calls later I finally caught up with one of my friends over lunch the other day. I remember the last time I met him was 4 months back for drinks when he had introduced me to his new girlfriend. Nothing is more frustrating than being invited for a drink by your guy friend (for which you turn up alone, no…he is too nerdy for me to dig, but you know how it is..sometimes your friends don’t fit in with your other friends) and then to be surprised by an introduction to his new girlfriend! And then to sit and listen to the romantic tale of how they met and how they are madly in love and how they must feed each other with the same fork even though I could have the waiter bring us another in a nano-second. Anyway my single woman couple-thrashing aside, it was actually nice to meet him again and this time, mercifully ALONE!
A record 15 minutes into our drinks and salads and brief chit-chat about – I hate my job, I want to go on leave, I wish I could escape to Bali or Bahamas, Why is it so freaking hot this year, Why is Obama everywhere I turn, Will I die of H1N1…etc…I finally came to realize why I had him exclusively to myself for lunch.
I had just taken a huge bite of my burger when (did I say salad earlier – no that’s what he ordered, please me and salad? *rolls eyes*) he hit me with the news. It wasn’t the subject itself that made me half swallow half spit out my burger, but the way he said it. “Ermm..so..I wanted to ask you something…You see Mia (fictional name of his beloved of course)..she just bought a Vibrator…”
Ah….there it was...so he wanted to discuss the psychological impact of Mia buying a vibrator - with me. You know usually I feel very proud of being a strong, independent, self-sufficient Single girl especially because I can buy all the shoes and makeup and magazines and clothes I want to without anyone butting their nose into it. When you’re half a couple, you have to save for that romantic dinner, or for this anniversary or that valentine’s crap or another trip etc. But when your attached male friends only want to meet you because you are the last single girlfriend they have left (seriously the hook up rate is either rising very fast or I’m just getting real old) and who they think does not mind discussing such ‘vibrating’ issues with them, it sucks being Single.
I digress. So after he delivers the news I go – So....she bought a vibrator? Good for her! And then his face crumples in self pity and wait for it – disgust - and he goes – What do you mean good for her?? Why does she need one? Does it mean I am no good in the sack? Is that how you girls let your men know that the sex is no good??
From his litany of questions that were all delivered in one breath and in a rather agitated tone I could see that clearly his ego had been severely bruised by what is considered a rather innocent purchase by women of these times.
Usually I love diving right into these discussions or debates as I find them rather stimulating. However, seeing his reaction to the whole thing made me want to quickly change the topic so I said, maybe she only uses it when you travel (yeah he does travel a lot for his job), speaking of which when are you off to China again, I want more DVDs! I said (I really did…can you believe I got all 8 seasons of Will & Grace for only 80 bucks from Beijing??Awesome!). But that didn’t help much…he wanted a discussion and so I decided I wouldn’t hold out on the poor guy anymore.
So I asked him one simple yet rather blunt question – Have you stopped jerking off ever since you met Mia?
As I expected, he blushed, sputtered, tried to vehemently deny it but finally admitted it with a hesitant shake of his head which implied a -No, I haven’t. I did see the light of understanding in his eyes though! The topic immediately died a natural death and yes, you guessed it, lunch finished and hasty goodbyes were said within the next 5 minutes. After which I used the extra 20 minutes for a quick trip to Aldo…Sigh..(ok Sorry!)
In the times of now, men are adamantly fighting for equal rights for men and women (yes that is right, the tables seem to have turned) and refusing to open doors or fetch the newspaper or give up a seat on the train for a lady. You don’t see the women protesting to this new movement, in fact we are darn happy about it. So, in line with this reasoning, if men have a right to self-service, why don’t women? After all, we don’t question men when they have half hour showers…….
Men take pride in it and want their girlfriends and/or wives to be astronauts, or crime solving detectives or big shot CEOs, they want them to guzzle beer with the guys, watch sports with them and read the Freaking Wall Street Journal. Yet they don’t want women to have sex like men!
Nobody can truly explain why people in a relationship with perfectly satisfying sex lives, be it man or woman sometimes find the urge to self-please themselves. I am not even going to try and find out the reason behind the why. I say, Why Not? (Ok I lied, psychologists know why.)
So guys, don’t judge a woman by what comes home with her in a shopping bag. Simply think of it as an extension to lady things – like shoes, bag, makeup etc. They don’t bother you and they give women the same high as sex does, so why get all bothered by a simple piece of vibrating machinery? It’s not worth the sweat. Unless she prefers it over you……..well that’s another issue for another day.
And gals, if you have a boyfriend and feel guilty about owning a Vibrator, please, get over yourselves already. Life is short. When you are dead no one is going to engrave – ‘She had a boyfriend and a Vibrator, Damn Her to Hell’ on your gravestone when you die.
All I’m saying is………What’s good for the Goose is good for the Gander!
Toodles,
Dee
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